I stopped breastfeeding a few months ago. My hormones are beginning to settle and my head is back where it should! I feel I'm in such a better place then I was back in March.
I'm happy, the kids are great, my J is nice and loving. Seems like all is settling. I should do a recap on all of these last months soon. I think I will. Someday.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
One more try
Im not sure I need to vent, I'm not sure I want to write. I know I keep saying I'll come back and I never do...
I feel the dark coming back... That same dark that had me on antidepressants before I got pregnant? Yeah, I feel it, see it. It's looming in the dark. Close enough to touch, far enough that I can forget about it for a day or so. But inevitably, it comes back. It's funny because, knowing my parents, I should know how to deal with this, but really I'm scared to face it. I don't want a label. Or rather i want only one label: normal. Whatever that means?
I hit 30 the other day and it's hitting me like a ton of bricks.
It's this hard to deal with because I have so many things to deal with. The weight, the loneliness, the jealousy, the isolation, the overeating and the list goes on...
I'm getting swallowed by mommy me... I forget who I am. That's not really original is it? Not that I'm trying to be. I know right now I totally lost myself. It makes bad at my job. My mommy job. I scream at the 5yo, I don't play enough with the baby... I'm not perfect. Why do i need control so much? What the heck is wrong, that I need all to be my way or no way? Thing is, it never goes my way or the way I saw it in my plans. And I always end up disappointed.
It was my problem then. Feelings of worthlessness, my inadequacies. I start so many things, I wanna do such much. But i always end up not finishing or doing nothing...
Ok, enough self loathing for tonight... See you soon I hope...
I feel the dark coming back... That same dark that had me on antidepressants before I got pregnant? Yeah, I feel it, see it. It's looming in the dark. Close enough to touch, far enough that I can forget about it for a day or so. But inevitably, it comes back. It's funny because, knowing my parents, I should know how to deal with this, but really I'm scared to face it. I don't want a label. Or rather i want only one label: normal. Whatever that means?
I hit 30 the other day and it's hitting me like a ton of bricks.
It's this hard to deal with because I have so many things to deal with. The weight, the loneliness, the jealousy, the isolation, the overeating and the list goes on...
I'm getting swallowed by mommy me... I forget who I am. That's not really original is it? Not that I'm trying to be. I know right now I totally lost myself. It makes bad at my job. My mommy job. I scream at the 5yo, I don't play enough with the baby... I'm not perfect. Why do i need control so much? What the heck is wrong, that I need all to be my way or no way? Thing is, it never goes my way or the way I saw it in my plans. And I always end up disappointed.
It was my problem then. Feelings of worthlessness, my inadequacies. I start so many things, I wanna do such much. But i always end up not finishing or doing nothing...
Ok, enough self loathing for tonight... See you soon I hope...
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