Hormones do me wrong

I stopped breastfeeding a few months ago. My hormones are beginning to settle and my head is back where it should! I feel I'm in such a better place then I was back in March.

I'm happy, the kids are great, my J is nice and loving. Seems like all is settling. I should do a recap on all of these last months soon. I think I will. Someday.

One more try

Im not sure I need to vent, I'm not sure I want to write. I know I keep saying I'll come back and I never do...

I feel the dark coming back... That same dark that had me on antidepressants before I got pregnant? Yeah, I feel it, see it. It's looming in the dark. Close enough to touch, far enough that I can forget about it for a day or so. But inevitably, it comes back. It's funny because, knowing my parents, I should know how to deal with this, but really I'm scared to face it. I don't want a label. Or rather i want only one label: normal. Whatever that means?
I hit 30 the other day and it's hitting me like a ton of bricks.

It's this hard to deal with because I have so many things to deal with. The weight, the loneliness, the jealousy, the isolation, the overeating and the list goes on...

I'm getting swallowed by mommy me... I forget who I am. That's not really original is it? Not that I'm trying to be. I know right now I totally lost myself. It makes bad at my job. My mommy job. I scream at the 5yo, I don't play enough with the baby... I'm not perfect. Why do i need control so much? What the heck is wrong, that I need all to be my way or no way? Thing is, it never goes my way or the way I saw it in my plans. And I always end up disappointed.

It was my problem then. Feelings of worthlessness, my inadequacies. I start so many things, I wanna do such much. But i always end up not finishing or doing nothing...

Ok, enough self loathing for tonight... See you soon I hope...

A new perspective, a new life.

My last post dates back a month before my life was forever altered...so allow me to situate everything and then I can start over!

My pregnancy did work JUST fine! As I write these words, I have an absolute joy of 2 month old girl sleeping in her swing. So, YEY! That went fine! My christmas went fine and all fell into place. In retrospect, I think my depression was a cumulation of many bad circumstances, bad events and to some extent, lack of support. Loneliness is an ugly beast, isn't it?

So I began this blog page last year, hoping it'd help me vent. I realize now, that it only made me bitch and moan and air shit that didn't belong out there in the first place. I could (should) remove them, but I figure a new chapter is a new chapter. I start over and this is going to be my reminder of the ugly.

When I left Haiti on January 10th, after a wonderful christmas vacation, I had no idea that, to this day, it would be the last time I'd set foot there. I said my goodbyes to my friends and family knowing full well, that I'd be back by May in order to be with my family when I gave birth. The universe had a slightly different plan for everyone.

The months that followed were tough. The day after the earthquake, my J was flown out with other from his company to go asses the damage. He was gone for over a month. A month of stress,news of aftershocks, bad communication and absolute fear for him and my family... Up until last week, I was still hearing of a friend that had past away that day. As I count the days to when I get to go back to see my country, I also brace myself for the shock that I haven't lived yet. The shock of having everything you know destroyed. I can prepare myself for it, but I know I'll never be truly ready for it.

So even though I can't promise to be peppy all the time, that's just NOT me! I will check myself before I get all "doomsday"-y, dark again.

Till I come back, have a great weekend, y'all!